Like many of my posts, this may not make much sense, but I have so, so many things I desperatley need to talk about, I’m going to type it all out to you, Probably just a couple of strangers, but if I pretend soemone is listening to what I have to say, I might feel a little better.

It was on the 16th October, with 69 days to go, I wrote about how excited I was for christmas, and was t

rying to think of a christmas present I could get for My mum.

Little did I know that 70 days after writing that post, I would Lose my Nanna. My lovely, lovely Nanna.

She was like a third parent.I saw her every single day and she was  Always there with open arms for a hug, and not letting us leave without a kiss.

She died on the night of Boxing day. The day after the best christmas i’d ever had. I saw her Boxing day, she was happy and setting the table for the huge family meal we were to have the next day.

Its amazing how something so small, can end a life completley. That tiny little blood clot in her brain and in her heart, formed in less than a second, stole my Nanna’s short life from her. She’d been living on this earth for 66 years, and was gone in a millisecond. Noone expected it. She’d made herself a cup of tea, put it by her bed and  got into bed, her mind full of excitement for what the next day could bring. My precious Nanna never saw the next day. My mum and I were called to her house by neighbours and knew straight away that she wouldnt be alright because her curtains were shut at 1pm on a thursday afternoon. My uncle broke in, as i remember my mum whispering, ‘this will be the worst day of my life.’

She was right. I’ve never seen my mum heartbroken before, and by god i’ll never forget it.

Not only did Me, my brother, sister and Cousin’s Loose our Nanna, But my Mum, Auntie and Uncle lost their Mum, People lost their friend and The village lost a lovely woman.

Every wednesday, we would go round to my Nanna’s for tea, and I think that’s why I decided to write now, as today is wednesday and is the day every second of my thoughts are occupied by my Nanna and the memories we shared. Every day The first thought i’m met with when I wake up is Nanna. Every day I open my bedroom curtains and I see her car that is being kept on our drive until it is sorted out, and I feel the most horrible pain inside me. Every day my school bus drives past her house, and every day I still look into the lounge window where she would stand every day to wave to me.Every day I expect her to be there.

I hear the word ‘dead’ and i’m instantly hit with that horrible pain and a lump in my throat. I see someone eating a battenburg (Nanna always bought us these) and my stomach flips. People keep saying ‘I’m sorry.’ I dont understand why. Its not there fault my Nanna isnt here anymore. Another thing they keep saying is ‘if theres anything I can do.’ Can you bring my Nanna back to me and my family, please? No, so I have no use for you, Sorry.

I’m so scared I’m going to forget her Laugh, her cry of happiness whenever she was proud and her voice, her face, all the gold Jewellry she loved to wear, the wrinkles on her permanantly dark skin. The blue waistcoat she wore with the long, blue denim skirt and white shoes. I dont want to forget a moment I had with her, I dont want to forget anything.

I’m going on like i’ve lost my mum and I am probably sounding really pathetic by now, and I’m sorry, but you can always stop reading. I’m doing this for my benefitand not yo


The worst part is, I havent cried. I dont understand why I havent cried. I loved this woman so very much, yet apart from little weeps and a few tears down my cheeks, I havent sat and had a good old cry like My mum does almost every night. I feel terrible. I want to cry, I’ve tried, but the tears just wont come out.

If you’re reading this, Please, Never take anyone for granted. I took my Nanna for Granted and I wish I never did. She was one of the most special, caring and wonderful woman that was taken from us much sooner than anyone expected. Noone realised how much love she poured into people and I know that deep down inside, everyone regrets not giving her every ounce of that love and care back every single day.

Rest In Peace Nanna.

Nanna, Grandad, Cousin Yasmin and Me a couple of Christmases ago.      I may not have much money to give you, but i’ve got a hell of a lot of Love.