No light no light

On one hand, I love looking through all the old photos I have and smiling to myself, remembering all the fun that was had that day as the memories that had been forgotten make themselves known again. I laugh like I did when things actually happened, for example, the video of Sarah’s dance to the moulin rouge song at becca’s house probably makes me laugh more now than it did when it happened. Playing UNO and charades at Lucy’s house, crying at the notebook and the summer film days at my house and the incredibly girly sleepovers with Chinese takeaways and timeout bars that we had almost every weekend during exam season. Or when I look at the photo of when I wrote ‘I love Michaela’ on Harvey’s arm in year nine and he wrote ‘I love Harvey’ on mine and it lead me to remember the time in school when I really, really liked him through a lot of school and the time he jokingly asked me for a fork from the canteen, so I got him one and in return he stole me a spoon. Little things like that. That make me smile . Then there are things for example like before, I happened to notice the red gummy bear Harvey named ‘Gertrude’ last Christmas was still sitting on my shelf. Sticky and covered in dust.. I forgot I kept it. Or the photo of us with candy-floss mustaches that we took at the circus, that is still in my locket that He gave me. I forgot about the time he burnt me a CD with the dirty dancing final song on it because he remembered how much I loved the film.
But on the other Hand, it makes me really, really sad. Sad to know that I’ve forgotten about these little things that mattered a lot at the time. Education and work seem to take over so much of our brains that we don’t have room for much else. I suppose that’s why I’ll always be taking video’s and photos.. Because it means so much to me to look back at things like that.
I hate to think that memories are just fading away and unless we make an effort to remember them, we just forget, as if those moments never happened. I try and remember conversations I’ve had with my Nanna, it’s not even been a year yet and I struggle to remember any of relevance. It’s so frustrating to know that I’ll never have the chance to have any more memorable ones with her and I can’t even recall the ones we have had.
I suppose the lesson from that is to not take people, or time for granted because it will end and you will forget about it eventually.
Another frustrating thing is, at the moment, I don’t even feel like I’m replacing the old memories with new, better ones. I’m just finding myself missing the old times more and more.
There is barely any time to see my bestfriends around college and extra curricular things, and there’s not many more ‘little-things-that-mean-a lot’ between me and Harvey anymore, they all seem to have just faded and I feel as if it’s my fault for not putting the effort in to create these. The more I realise this the more it gets me down.
I’m going to try harder not to take things, or people, especially people for granted. I’ve learnt a cold and cruel lesson to do this by loosing things that mean so, so much to me. I thought I’d have them all here with me forever but it turns out you can’t choose what stays and what fades away.

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